Bad days here suck

Man....I had an awful day yesterday. It all started with the weather.

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE. You might be wondering why that upset me. I guess after living in the coldest winter known to man, waking up to 40 degree weather hit me like a brick. I instantly felt excited about being able to go outside. I thought "What do I want to do with my Sunday?" A list of things I can only do in America came to mind, making me instantly hysterical with homesickness. This is how my list began:

-Go to the dog park with Turtle
-Sit on the porch with my sister and the pups
-Invite friends over for "Sunday dinner" with Lauren
-Go to the farmer's market, and buy fresh veggies
-Get coffee with Aaron at Same and Zoe's
-Drive out and spend the day with my mom
-Play volleyball with Amanda, followed by Mexican food
-Drive somewhere, just to drive somewhere
-Etc, etc, etc...

So I cried. A lot. I havent had internet all week, but my phone occasionally picks up wireless, so I was able to get enough of a connection to call my sister at 6am her time. I told her about my frustrations for about a half an hour. Suddenly, Emilija called. She sounded so happy!! I killed her mood by crying to her as well. Thankfully, her mom instincts kicked in, and she was at my apartment within 10 minutes to rescue me.

It's really difficult for me to put my pride aside and admit when Im having a hard time. I also hesitate on telling people here, because Im afraid people will just think "OH, she's going to go home." The term "ET" here stands for "early termination." It is probably the most talked about subject among Peace Corps volunteers. People make bets on who will be the first or the next to go, and I hate feeling like I'm going to end up on someone's list one day. I don't even know why I care, but it adds to my refusal of wanting to talk to anyone about being homesick.

The thing is, I feel like I'm far more attached to my family back home than some people can understand. Some volunteers here are more independent from their families. Although I view myself as someone who is independent and strong, I have no shame admitting that I am deeply connected to my family and friends in America. Before coming here, I always spoke with my mom AT LEAST once a day. I saw her, my sister, and my grandmother frequently. My aunts and cousins also join in about once or twice a week for family dinners somewhere nice....not to mention, every holiday was another excuse for us to all get together over some good food and wine. I had a solid group of friends whom I saw regularly. My dog is the love of my life, and I planned everything in my life around spending time with her. I can't help but feel like I am missing out on so much by being here....like everything at home is changing drastically, and I'm missing all of it.

The thing is, I know I'm missing out on a lot. I know nothing will be the same when I get back. I also know I'm experiencing a lot by being here. I'm in love with my city, my counterpart, my school, and a select few individuals who have invested time in getting to know and support me. Some days, like yesterday, are far too overwhelming for me though. I often fight the urge to call my family, look at photos, of think about everything I miss. Then, some days, I cave.

When you are going through PC training, the admin people will often ask you how you will deal with being stressed, homesick, or depressed. Naturally, I answered honestly:
-I'll cook.
-I'll paint.
-I'll exercise.
-I'll find a new hobby.

What a volunteer is not aware of is the lack of resources for those activities. For instance, it's taken 5 months for me to find acrylic paint here. I just bought it last week while I was in Skopje. Yesterday, my first thought was to paint, however, I had no surface to paint on. Canvases don't exactly exist here, which leaves me with cardboard boxes or regular paper....not exactly fulfilling. So I decided to cook, which again provides a lack of resources. Although I must give myself credit for finding ways to cook a good meal here, on my bad days, I often want something familiar....like a casserole, yet they do not sell the required ingredients here. I cant even get fresh produce right now, other than apples, because of the winter. Even the cabbage here is turning brown. I then turn to exercising, which by the time I think about it, I cant even motivate myself. In America, I made myself go to the gym, but I dont have that option here. So instead, I find myself turning on a movie, which is exactly what PC told us not to do.

I know that the warmer days will be good for me. I know being outside is what I need. The dance studio should be final this week, which will provide the exercise I need. I also need to really get back into my other projects, like the animal facility. I know I'll have my bad days, and I know I'll have my good days. The purpose of this post is to vent without worrying what people will say, even if I end up on someone's ET list. I think it's important to be honest with yourself, especially through writing. Already, I feel MUCH better today.

Christmas in Macedonia

Merry Christmas, everyone!!

Here's the video from the weekend:

Xmas video

As you all know, I was in Kamenica for the weekend to celebrate Xmas with my fellow volunteers from all over the country. Friday, I rode into town to help Sara set up for the coming days' events. There, we met up with Paul and Julie. That night, we began our celebration by making and hanging the paper snowflakes (shown above). We hung them all over the ceiling so the place could feel a little festive!!

This is Sara's kitchen, and this is Sara building a real fire inside of her wood burning stove. Friday night, we waited for the rest of the first crew to show up: Enid, Kenzie, and Andres. Upon their arrival, I realized just how much I've been missing them. Seeing them again felt like I was having a family reunion!! That night, we headed into town for some kebabs, chicken fingers, salads, and beer. There was some live music, so we stuck around for a bit before heading back to the house. 

The next morning looked like this. We all laid around on Sara's pull-out couches and just caught up on how things were going at each other's sites. We snacked on Anna's famous banana bread, drank coffee and tea, and listened to Xmas music. Later that day, some of the people went up the side of a mountain and cut down a Xmas tree for us. We made homemade decorations out of aluminum foil. Here's our tree:

By the middle of the day, the rest of our crew began to arrive: Faron, Dan, and Dale. We took a walk into town to get some last minute things we figured we'd need to the upcoming meals.

Andres and I in front of one of the two churches in the town. Here, we met one of the priests who gave Sara all the details about people she knew in town. It was pretty entertaining.

That night, we made a lot of Mexican food. We had a taco bar set up, and we made a troth of nachos to go along with it. We played Apples to Apples that night and spent a good chunk of time just dancing and joking around. We also shared a "white elephant gift exchange." The deal was we all had to bring something that was in our home when we first moved in...something weird or funny. Some people got some wildly hilarious gifts, while others got gifts that were oddly perfect for them!! For example, I got these cute little knit slippers that are TINY. I was literally the only person whose tiny feet could fit in them, and I somehow managed to get that bag. It was perfect!!

Sunday morning was kind of a slow one. We woke up, and Julie had made everyone "stockings" out of Sara's socks. In them, she put a bunch of random items, like veggies, candy, mini American flags, and tea bags. She left this message from Santa on the table:

It was really sweet. From there, we decided to finally sit down all together to watch a Xmas movie...so we put on The Grinch. I loved being able to sit around with everyone for that. It was probably the most festive feeling moment of the entire weekend. Some people fell asleep, while others stayed up and laughed along. Regardless, we were all curled up together, and it felt like a family. After we all finally got moving, I began to work on our Xmas day meal. We didnt have much, bc the local bazaars were empty last week. It must have been from the snow we had. We made due though!! We baked 3 small chickens with potatoes, carrots, and onions. We also made some moussaka. Then, we all gathered around the den for one last meal:

Shortly after we ate, I decided to catch a ride back into Kocani. I was feeling extremely homesick and a little sad I wasnt able to see my family yet. As soon as my ride began to pull into Kocani, I began to feel so much better. Even walking up my 6 flights of stairs felt good....it just felt good to be home. I immediately turned on my cheap little Xmas tree and got online to Skype my momma, who was just getting up. She walked me around the house as her and Jessica got ready for the day. I watched Xmas movies on their TV across the internet. I chatted with them as they put on their makeup and did their hair. Later, I was carried around on the computer as my family opened all their presents and stockings. I was able to see and speak to everyone, and it truly felt like I was there! I was SO HAPPY to feel like I was still able to share such an important holiday with my family. Being able to hear them laugh and joke around made me miss them all so much more, but I was smiling from ear to ear when I finally shut my computer. 

Suddenly, Lilika, the student from school I've grown close with, showed up at my house with a jorgan, which is kind of like a super heavy blanket. She sat around and met my mom and sis via Skype with me and helped me admire how wonderful their Xmas tree was. We sat around for a bit, eating popcorn and chatting, before Emilija called me. She was on her way to pick me up!! Emilija and her husband showed up with a piece of cake for me, and then they took me down to the center for some pizza, salad, and coffee. Having them drop what they were doing on a Sunday...the one day Emilija and her family have to themselves..made me feel like part of the family. It became evident how much they cared, and even though I know they care, their simple act of taking me out on Xmas meant so much to me, I simply cannot explain. Emilija and Lilika really own my heart here. I love them so much for being there for me on what we all knew would be a difficult day. By the time I shut my eyes for sleep, I was a happy  and fulfilled girl.

I went into work on Monday, and it felt a little slow. I was just feeling tired, I guess. And then his morning, I woke u with a sore throat. I decided I'd get through work so I could spend the rest of the evening in bed with tea and soup, which is exactly what I've done. I think it's really the extreme drop in temperature that's made me feel like I'm getting a cold. Regardless, Im going to battle through it, b/c tomorrow Rob comes into town!! Hoorah!! His plane gets in late, so I am probably going to be beat by Thursday. Not sure what we are going to do for the New Year yet....we may just stick around here. I dont think either of us would mind that...it will feel good to relax.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Although I survived this year, I must admit I think I'll have to come back next year for sure!! I miss and love you all. Keep the emails coming : )

Proud

I'd like to share a proud moment.

If you've been following up on my blog, you know I've been helping to organize a basketball event at my school. It's the kind of event where the students play against teachers and parents. There will be 4 games with 6 teams total. The school will be having the chorus sing, the orchestra play, and some other entertaining elements to the event. As part of my contribution, I made two videos last week:

Video 1

Video 2

The shorter of the two videos (video 2), began airing on local TV last night. : ) I am extremely proud!! The event is this coming Sunday, and I've extended the invite to many volunteers and some PC people as well. I've had some excellent help from some of the boys at my school. The Director's son and his friends have created fantastic posters and tickets and have seriously been so helpful. The hardest thing about organizing the event has been recruiting cheerleaders. Cheerleaders just arent common here...girls are not interested. It's taken me almost two weeks to get the 4 girls I have, and I'm not even sure if they will all follow through. Today, I'm getting t-shirts made for them. : ) Anywho...the video will continue to air every night until Sunday, but I unfortunately dont have a TV to see my video debut on Macedonian TV. haha

 I stayed up really late last night, and I slept in really late today. I decided I needed to make some potatoes, peppers, and eggs for breakfast. It's the type of thing my mother makes for breakfast, but I can never quite make it as good as her!! Today, I should have my landlord come by to pick up my water boiler, because I still havent had a warm shower that lasts longer than 4 minutes. Later tonight, I think Paul may come into town to kick it. He lives with a host family in his village, and with the stress we've all been going through in adjusting to our sites, it's just nice to get out and be normal from time to time. Sara might also come into town to stay the night. We have to go into Vinica tomorrow for a PC 50th anniversary event, so it's just makes more sense for her to come tonight, rather than at 6am in the morning. I'm excited about tomorrow though!! It will be the first PC event I've really attended outside of all my training and swearing-in stuff. And it'll be nice to spend lunch with the other volunteers after the event.

I'm also getting more and more excited about Xmas here. So far, I've been really homesick when I see and hear about festive things going on in the states. Even watching an Xmas episode of a TV show here is killing me. That being said though, the volunteers I'll be sharing Xmas with are really doing an excellent job of getting everyone excited!! It will be a 3-day event, complete with LOTS of baking, one night of homemade Mexican food, making and watching funny videos, have a proper Xmas feast, complete with mulled wine and eggnog, and simply getting really dressed up, just like we would if we were all home. We'll basically be hibernating in Sara's home in Kamenica. As of now, I think we may have close to 10 or more people!! I already have my Xmas dress picked out, which is a fantastic vintage dress I bought at an estate sale with mom this summer. I hope we will all get a chance to Skype home while we are there too. Id really love to see my family on Xmas.

Ok...I have to go attempt to get t-shirts made now. It's 52 and sunny here. Let's make this a good day.